i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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