im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
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Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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