meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
