he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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