I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
