I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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