Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
