Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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