He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The power of my boobs compel you
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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