your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
