Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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