My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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