Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
