His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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