god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
