just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
