I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
