I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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