omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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