happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
