Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
