Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
