I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Holy sore nipples Batman
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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