I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
