so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
