I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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