Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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