how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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