he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize