there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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