Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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