i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
