I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
