There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
