Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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