halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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