I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)