the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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