My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
