he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
