I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
