we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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