Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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