Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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