i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins