im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
