I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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