my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
