I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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