I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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