bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I forget how to act sober
Randomize