id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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