if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
