fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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