K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
