it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
