I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
