Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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