You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
