I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
