Say something about gay babies.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
