I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
