I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
