i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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