he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
