On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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