I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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