Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
then he tried to convert me to islam
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
